The not knowing

For me, is the worst bit.

When we first started trying to get pregnant at the end of 2013 (we all remember those early days of thinking we’d instantly fall pregnant at the sniff of unprotected sex, am I right?) I never thought we be childless more than 3 years later.

The assumption that nature would just do its thing and we’d have a cute bundle of pink gummy joy in our lives a year later was a lovely, but maybe misguided daydream that haunts me daily.

We’ll be starting our first cycle of IVF in the next few months. Which is a step forward, obviously. But after x2 failed iui’s and x1 successful iui which resulted in a miscarriage, I’m not filled with the hope that I ought to be.

I remember those 3 weeks I spent pregnant last year, the weight of longing for our kid, the pressure of our mothers not having grand children via us, seeing online pictures of EVERYBODY’S kids on Mothers/Fathers/Christmas/Easter/Halloween days – those worries instantly disappeared. Other people had miscarriages, not us. We’d had problems GETTING pregnant, surely STAYING pregnant wouldn’t be an issue too, that couldn’t be fair! But 25% of all pregnancies end up in miscarriage. We were just unlucky. 

I wish there was a magical way to just know whether or not we’ll manage to have biological kids of our own. At the moment we’re not ready to give up on the idea that we’ll have our own kids (as naturally as we can, medical intervention is a given at this point). But christ, if there was a way to know whether or not these next 3-12 months will be soul destroying for an outcome we want or just pure and simple crushing,  a hormonal rollercoaster and additional heartache for us to be in this position this time next year, there’s not a lot I wouldn’t do for that info! 

Author: hasdogswantshumans

34, from The Midlands, UK. The loveliest husband, family, friends and dogs. 100% determined to become parents - one way or the other.... *During January 2018, after 4 and a half years, we finally welcomed 2 daughters to our world.

4 thoughts on “The not knowing”

  1. My’ve so perfectly articulated everything me and my husband feel right now. It’s the uncertainty. If only we could be promised it would all be worth it but having zero control just adds to the anxiety. I have Endometriosis and have lost both tubes but prior to this while we were confused and lost and waiting for a diagnosis we had a failed assisted cycle on Clomid. We start IVF in the next few months also and your words just so perfectly describe how I feel. I really hope you get your beautiful bubba. Thank you for your vulnerability

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re welcome. I find this place not only a way to get things off my chest, but useful in that others identify with it, just as I do with blogs I read here. We tried 6months of clomid too, (awful headaches, no baby) before we moved on to IUI. I hope your IVF is a success and you’re taken out of the horrible limbo very soon x


  3. I can definitely empathize as we are on our 6th round of donor egg IVF after having two failed IUIs, and a miscarriage at 9 weeks after our fourth round of IVF.

    If I could go back in time I would make sure my thyroid levels were below 2.0 before ever putting an embryo in my body ( estrogen tends to jack up the thyroid in many situations and mine was 3 times the normal level while on estrogen… sadly too many doctors don’t put a lot of stock in it even though it triples the chance of miscarriage). The other thing I would have demanded after the first fail was the endometrial receptivity assay (ERA) to assess the timing of the transfer as 20% of embryo transfers are done on the wrong day it turns out.

    Best of luck to you as you prepare for the first cycle… it’s definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.


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